Even though controlling relationships are almost universally considered to be negative and very undesirable, they are far more prevalant than people realize. They are primarily the by-product of children being raised in homes with one or more controlling parents, and/or a highly unstable environment due to negative events.

The person who is trying to do the controlling is almost always trying to compensate for the “out of control” nature of the environment they grew up in. Internal fears of life spiralling out of control plague people with regular control problems. Their context for life was set in childhood and they often continue living out of that paradigm even though it’s no longer relevant.

The unstable home environment could have been a result of an alcoholic parent(s), an absent workaholic parent(s), the breakdown of the marriage, or some form of physical or emotional abuse. If a parent withholds love and affection as a means of keeping the child under their thumb, this destructive behaviour can carry over into adult relationships and cause a lot of problems.

The person who chooses to marry or date the controller is doing so because of one or a combination of the following reasons. 1. This is what they grew up with and it’s what they’re accustomed to. Although it’s not pleasant, being controlled is strangely comfortable. 2. They are attempting to change the controller, to reform them. This is often done unknowingly. The unconcious intention is to try and repair a disappointing relationship they had with their parent(s). 3. Being in a relationship with a controller makes them look good, because when they measure their own behaviour against the controller’s, they look like their doing a pretty good job of running their life, even though they’re probably not. 4. As times life seems easier while in a relationship with a controller because the controller makes most if not all the decisions for both people. It gives them someone to blame when things don’t work out right because…they didn’t make the decision!?!?

There are a few things to consider if you are looking to steer clear of a controlling relationship.

1. If being controlled is what you are used to, what you grew up with, then it’s vital to realize that “you are not responsible for the environment you grew up in.” In dysfunctional homes, the children tend to take responsibility for the parent’s problematic behaviours. In controlling homes it’s common for the parent(s) to blame the child as a means of off loading responsibility and thus paralyzing the child. In order to drive it deep into your subconcious mind, I suggest you repeat that phrase over and over. “The environment you grew up in was not your responsibility, not your doing.” As importantly, “you are 100% response-able, able to respond, to your life as an adult.” You can learn the skills and run your life well without the need to have a controlling person manipulating you.

2. If it’s your intention to try and reform a controller….please stop. Trying to control something you have no control over is the best possible way to create insanity in an individual. The only control any of us have is over ourselves. We can gain tremendous increases in our sense of control over our own lives if we will spend our time working on our own hangups and misgivings. Efforts to correct a controlling person are really only futile attempts to control them.

3. As an attempt to cover up your lack of personal initiative, don’t hide behind a controlling person’s unhealthy actions to make yourself look good. Find a reason for living that brings joy to you and others. Do some research into your life purpose. Why are you here? We’ve most likely never met, you and I, yet I am quite sure you have abilities and gifts that can be used to make the world a better place to live.

4. Learn how to make decisions for yourself. Being in a relationship with a controlling person can be pretty terrific because they are more than happy to make most if not all the decisions. That seems to make things easy, except that you aren’t developing the habit of making good decisions. This step is primarily about your will and rarely about skill. “But I don’t know how!” you protest. You will learn. Bit by bit, day by day. The process of learning to make better choices is the same as learning any new skill, it gets better and better with more practice. Practice does not make perfect, but it sure makes life a lot more pleasant!

Though many couples experience problems during the course of their relationships, it is often how they deal with those problems that will either keep them together or, break them apart. A true test of love and respect is how people treat each other when problems arise and as difficult as it might be to remain respectful toward a person that has become such a comfortable fixture in a persons life, this constant upkeep can allow for the happiest of couples, even in the worst of times.
Many people feel that relationships today undergo a great deal of stress for many reasons; the changing roles of men and women; our fast paces society; both partners having careers while trying to raise a family and many more reasons that can be seen in modern day relationships. One of the most difficult aspects of these problems is that in order to resolve them the couple needs time together. Too often people find that even while living under the same roof they dont have the time to pour into lengthy discussions and when they do it seems a waste of the precious little time they have together because they perceive it as negative. Unfortunately, not attending the underlying problems that a couple may have will not resolve them; instead they are often brought up during other arguments; cause other problems that seem unfixable because the source isnt being addressed; or simply cause the couple to live in a state of unhappiness because they both know that something is wrong.
Though it does require participation, getting to the heart of a problem does not require dwelling on it for hours at a time. In fact, a wonderful way to prepare for an important discussion is to write down your personal thoughts about it, points that you would like to cover, on your own time; this will allow for a great deal more time focused on the issues rather than wasting time trying to think of key points.
A few basic recommendations before you sit down:
Write down your most important points so that you do not become flustered and forget.
Pick a time that is convenient for both you and your partner which allows you all the time you may need.
Choose a setting in which you and your partner will feel at ease.
Dont try to discuss anything if either you or your partner is not feeling up to it; this may just prove a waste of time if you are not both open to resolving your problems.
Learning how to better communicate with each other is a difficulty most couples experience at some point in their relationship. Often, if both people involved are committed to each others happiness, no problem is too difficult to resolve.
One basic problem that seems to occur in many relationships is the routine act of taking each other for granted. This can apply to hundreds of daily tasks and activities that become habit after enough time has gone by. Taking the time to thank your partner for the effort that they put into the relationship is extremely important. Quite often, a little attention and praise can go a long way toward creating a happy environment. Constantly feeling underappreciated can cause a great deal of unnecessary stress; in many cases one partner will have no idea that the other is having these feelings. While it is the responsibility of both partners to appreciate each other, it is also important to express any feelings which might not be apparent.
A regular argument amongst couples is that one partner should have known that the other partner was unhappy; while it is good to remain attentive to how your partner is feeling; if a problem is going unnoticed it becomes the responsibility of that person to voice it so that together, the couple can figure out how to solve it. Many people choose to keep feelings or thoughts to themselves because they either have no wish to bother their partner, or would like to see their partner recognize that the problem exists without their help. Though it is understandable this kind of action often causes more problems and leads to a pattern of behavior that divides the couple, rather than allowing them to get closer.
Many more problems exist that can cause unhappy situations for one or both people in a relationship and because of the unique dynamics so many people share it can be difficult to apply general solutions to a specific problem; however, here some key points, and recap, that seem to work for almost every couple in a wide variety of situations:
Discuss your feelings openly and be respectful of your partners as well.
Feeling comfortable does not excuse a person from taking another for granted; remember to treat your partner with respect and to show appreciation for their part in the relationship.
Voice your opinion; do not expect your partner to anticipate every thought you have; communication is an essential for any good relationship.
Be attentive to your partners needs and feelings.
Dont let problems divide you as a couple; find solutions together as a team.
Remember that you chose one another; even in the most horrible situations you should be able to work things out as long as you both care about each others happiness.
As long as there remains between you the will to provide a happy, safe and caring life for one another, stress can be kept to a minimum; allowing for your relationship to remain a successful one despite any difficulties that you face.

Incomplete psychological separation between mother and child, and the symptoms that can emerge from this relative state of undifferentiation, is increasingly appearing in the patients and families I treat as a common element in their histories and present lives. Co-sleeping, extended breast feeding, dependence on the mother for toileting, and marked separation anxiety are not uncommon features in this type of dyad, and often we also see some combination of impulsivity, aggression, low capacity for frustration and empathy, learning problems in school and socially, and so on, which can be organized under the general category of impoverished capacity to independently regulate affects, or feelings. Sometimes, these dyads must be treated therapeutically as a couple in parent-child psychotherapy if separation is not possible or is too traumatic for the child or the mother, a treatment which can evolve into individual therapy for the child, and perhaps also for the mother.

Almost inevitably, enmeshed mother-child dyads have a history of early trauma in either the childs and/or the mothers history. Often I have found that both mother and child experienced trauma (abuse of the mother or the child by a third party, birth trauma, adoption (traumatic loss or separation) medical illness, colic, hospitalization, post-partum depression, etc) in the childs early months and years, and occasionally this experience was a repetition of something the mother experienced in her early years with her own mother (enmeshed mother-child dyads are often passed down generationally and also culturally, i.e. these dyads may be more common in cultures where family enmeshment is the normal expectation. Enmeshment may not necessarily be the result of trauma but perhaps can also be a much sought after cultural value).

In response to this traumatic experience in the childs infancy, the mother and child cling to each other for safety they both feel much better when the other is nearby. Mutual holding physically and psychologically is normal and expected in the early months of an infants life, but due to the trauma, both mother and child experience great difficulty in separating and living more independently when the time arrives when this should normally begin to happen. Co-sleeping (and sometimes prolonged breast feeding) is usually the first sign of this occurrence, which may be followed by intense separation anxiety, clinginess, moodiness or general regressiveness, and struggles with independent toileting, eating, and so on. The most common story is that the child was irritable and intolerable of separation from the start, refused to be put down in the crib, and co-sleeping was easier and soothed the baby at once. Post-partum depression in the mother is sometimes a feature of these cases, and often the child appears to indeed have been born with a temperament that is either difficult to parent or may elicit the mothers need to remain overly close to the child.

These children usually do not get referred for psychotherapy until they begin to attend school, where impulsivity, poor frustration tolerance and capacity for empathy, aggression and separation anxiety can create serious problems for these children in learning and socializing with other children and adults. Incomplete psychological and physical separation couples with aggression and impulsivity so consistently in my experience that I have begun to more seriously contemplate the nature of this relationship
and how one thing leads to the other.

To begin, we can say that, although a feeling of safety in the infant can emerge from being very attached to its mother, when this attachment extends beyond the age when the infant or toddler might normally begin to show signs of differentiating (i.e. by sleeping alone, exploring the environment, separating upon playing with peers or going to daycare/school) the feeling of safety can turn into intense fear and dread in the absence of soothing, protective and regulating mother. We can say that because the child depends so much on the mother to help it with its feelings, that it fails to learn how to manage its own feelings in her absence, and this can only occur in her occasional absence. If the mother is never absent, but always there, the child struggles to become a self that can self-regulate feelings the child remains a self-mother and may find it challenging to fully experience the mother and the self as an autonomous person. The child shares psychological functions with the mother, such as the capacity to internally soothe itself in the face of environmental stress and maintain self control and self-cohesion (keeping it together), but outside of the presence of the mother the child functions at a much lower level, since none of the important psychological qualities it needs are his or hers alone. Mother and child may function very well as one, but not as two.

In summary, affect regulation becomes seriously compromised in the context of an enmeshed mother-child relationship, due to the sharing of vital psychological functions which are not the childs alone. This child never learned how to manage discomfort, frustration, waiting, loneliness, and so on, because the mother was always there to regulate these feelings at once. Impulsive and aggressive acting-out (in particular at school with teachers and peers) is one method children may use to express feelings of discomfort and frustration they could never truly feel or manage independently.

The second point we can make is that empathy derives at the start from the capacity to view the other person as separate from oneself. When a child experiences the mother as part of himself or herself as an extension or auxiliary self the child cannot gain an adequate appreciation of how his or her actions might impact the other, since the other does not technically exist the other is equivalent to him or her.

Empathy derives from first knowing that the other is separate and can empathize with you as a separate self this leads to thinking about and sensing what the other may feel, which leads to guilt, conscience, and so on. Not adequately understanding the mental states of others (nor the self) means you can act on the other without knowing or caring about how that feels. In my experience, this tends to stem from the child not having had someone think about how he or she felt, which could not happen since the mother and child were fused they were one. The mothers experience is the childs and vice versa. This does not mean that the mother is not loving, caring, protective, and so on. It means that the child cannot see her behaviour as hers and her thinking about him as true empathy as long as they are undifferentiated.

There is no empathy as long as there is one thing empathy is born when the concept of twoness is introduced to the infant, and twoness is introduced from the beginning of life when the infant experiences a feeling, need or frustration in the absence of the mother. The missing mother reminds the child that mother is separate and has her own needs, which forces him to empathize with her to recognize her own subjectivity – and to find a way to contain his or her own feelings and frustrations until the mother returns. That the baby’s sense of mother’s goneness is relatively consistent and not too long (i.e. the mother returns in an expected and timely way) is important in ensuring that the baby is not too traumatized and can learn to contain himself (this should be confused with Dr. Ferber’s method of permitting children to “cry it out” in isolation). Undifferentiated dyads may create children with little empathy who struggle to appreciate their own and others feeling states. These children may appear as cruel, ruthless, and generally naive and apparently careless about others feelings and ones impact on them. They may become aggressive and seem not to care and even laugh at the person they hit.

When you combine the failure to empathize, with the deficits in self-regulation mentioned previously, you may see the aggressive impulsivity that is currently so common in the field of childrens mental health, particularly when the child in introduced to school, since school makes demands on children in terms of being able to function independently, tolerate frustration, and so on, which these children struggle with in particular. Naturally there are impulsive and aggressive children who do not share an enmeshed relationship with the mother, but repeatedly when working with less differentiated dyads I have witnessed these similar histories and symptoms, which gave rise to the present contemplation.